Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
