The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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