wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
