I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Sorry my hands just texted you
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
