when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
