I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i now understand why vodka
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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