The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
two words: eviction party
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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