The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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