I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
