Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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