Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
