So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
