I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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