If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
