Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Welp...herpes.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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