"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
