seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
