so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
