Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
This house was built for laser tag.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
it's like heaven, but drunker
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
