I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
