I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
