Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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