You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize