This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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