i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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