You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
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