it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
