My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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