My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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