im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
