My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
You are the jesus of drinking
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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