dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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