hotel room ftw
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
