You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
