You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
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