My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Randomize
