The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Randomize
