I wannas sexs uuuuu
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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