I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
