He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
