I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
