bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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