And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
