I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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