Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
