I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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