In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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