Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
