true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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