the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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