we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
