please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
