I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
