I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
