So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
