I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
